17.12.23
the earth does not feel real right now - whatโs considered real is a foggy veil, gluing itself to my thoughts. a boring dream that goes on for too long.
when i can be alive again i wake up. the dust sits in my eyes for a while, but eventually things become clear once again. i leave behind the grayscale world, the sky becomes blue again. things become logical again. i breathe in unpolluted air, am no longer numb to the blades of grass by feet graze across, my heart beats away once again.
29.11.23
a while ago, i took up doing self-readings with tarot cards. i developed an interest in astrology despite my dismissal of everything โnon-scientificโ prior to that.
i used to think i knew exactly what i wanted. i wonder what my younger self would think of the me that i am now. i've been having to face these realisations that i'm not living life the way i have wanted to.
i do what i can to keep myself safe and loved, pouring all my energy into such. roles are played daily and i have to poison myself in order to continue but also to be released. inhibition is at contrast with my nature, but when i can finally trick myself into being uninhibited, it's too destructive.
so how can i feel free but also safe? iโm beginning to think itโs impossible to have both simultaneously.
27.11.23
each woman has a fire burning within them. each woman's fire burns differently, depending on many different factors. some have a small flame, some have smoke, some have a roaring fire.
it can get too hot, leaving burns to touch. hard to get under control, unruly.
apart from the time i took a pill which seemed to suppress my individual fire, it's always been so large, ever since i can remember.
a fire is a scary thing, and something you'd try to put out. i have attempted to do such with no luck.
despite my fire being scary, it is a creator; a drive. it's what fuels my body, one which creates. my body can take in seeds, nurture them, have them grow into something full of life.
a woman's fire is scary to a man. many men will say they desire that heat, but when it comes down to it, they're afraid of the power it holds.
24.11.23
โmy senses want much too much
to get me through a senseless dayโ
i have been reading anais nรฏnโs diaries lately. she was surrounded by colourful characters and lived in a beautiful house. there was so much for her to take in, to process, to feel. i relate to her, yet i sit looking at boring plain walls, struggling to break down the walls of those around me, to find a little treasure for me to feed upon.
beauty is what makes me want to live. the beauty of trees, the autumn leaves that fall from them, the beauty of the birds that sit within them. i want the birds that sit within people, and to hold them in the palms of my hands.
16.11.23
i want to be stimulated constantly - i must feel alive. itโs not death but limbo. man sweeping the floor of the roadhouse for what feels like forever.
11.10.23
woman are used to not being listened to, therefore can fail to listen to themselves at the most crucial moments. i am still failing at this at all times, but after the fact i always see that the discomfort one feels canโt be ignored and is a warning sign that must be acted upon. it feels thereโs the darkest colours living within me, but then lights that are too bright bright for me to bear. i wish i would stop squeezing my eyes shut at brightness and reverting to the shadows.
15.08.23
i was described me as being made out of glass. from the same person, also described as being the most resilient person heโs ever met. itโs hard to wrap my head around these stark dualities - i can usually identify which part of myself belongs where, but today i cannot.
20.07.23
web site :-)
the earth does not feel real right now - whatโs considered real is a foggy veil, gluing itself to my thoughts. a boring dream that goes on for too long.
when i can be alive again i wake up. the dust sits in my eyes for a while, but eventually things become clear once again. i leave behind the grayscale world, the sky becomes blue again. things become logical again. i breathe in unpolluted air, am no longer numb to the blades of grass by feet graze across, my heart beats away once again.
29.11.23
a while ago, i took up doing self-readings with tarot cards. i developed an interest in astrology despite my dismissal of everything โnon-scientificโ prior to that.
i used to think i knew exactly what i wanted. i wonder what my younger self would think of the me that i am now. i've been having to face these realisations that i'm not living life the way i have wanted to.
i do what i can to keep myself safe and loved, pouring all my energy into such. roles are played daily and i have to poison myself in order to continue but also to be released. inhibition is at contrast with my nature, but when i can finally trick myself into being uninhibited, it's too destructive.
so how can i feel free but also safe? iโm beginning to think itโs impossible to have both simultaneously.
27.11.23
each woman has a fire burning within them. each woman's fire burns differently, depending on many different factors. some have a small flame, some have smoke, some have a roaring fire.
it can get too hot, leaving burns to touch. hard to get under control, unruly.
apart from the time i took a pill which seemed to suppress my individual fire, it's always been so large, ever since i can remember.
a fire is a scary thing, and something you'd try to put out. i have attempted to do such with no luck.
despite my fire being scary, it is a creator; a drive. it's what fuels my body, one which creates. my body can take in seeds, nurture them, have them grow into something full of life.
a woman's fire is scary to a man. many men will say they desire that heat, but when it comes down to it, they're afraid of the power it holds.
24.11.23
โmy senses want much too much
to get me through a senseless dayโ
i have been reading anais nรฏnโs diaries lately. she was surrounded by colourful characters and lived in a beautiful house. there was so much for her to take in, to process, to feel. i relate to her, yet i sit looking at boring plain walls, struggling to break down the walls of those around me, to find a little treasure for me to feed upon.
beauty is what makes me want to live. the beauty of trees, the autumn leaves that fall from them, the beauty of the birds that sit within them. i want the birds that sit within people, and to hold them in the palms of my hands.
16.11.23
i want to be stimulated constantly - i must feel alive. itโs not death but limbo. man sweeping the floor of the roadhouse for what feels like forever.
11.10.23
woman are used to not being listened to, therefore can fail to listen to themselves at the most crucial moments. i am still failing at this at all times, but after the fact i always see that the discomfort one feels canโt be ignored and is a warning sign that must be acted upon. it feels thereโs the darkest colours living within me, but then lights that are too bright bright for me to bear. i wish i would stop squeezing my eyes shut at brightness and reverting to the shadows.
15.08.23
i was described me as being made out of glass. from the same person, also described as being the most resilient person heโs ever met. itโs hard to wrap my head around these stark dualities - i can usually identify which part of myself belongs where, but today i cannot.
20.07.23
web site :-)
